Hello, friends, and thank you to Maggie for letting me hijack her blog today.
I’m kind of at an impasse right now as to whether or not my dog (and I) should continue blogging.
See, there’s a lot of stuff going on that’s hard for me to work through right now.
Maybe I’m in the midst of a pity party, but the icing on the cake was last night, when Jim promised to bring me my medication from the pharmacy, and showed up 20 minutes after I’d reminded him (again) empty-handed. It would be one thing, but he OFFERED to get it, and still I was stuck reminding him about 8 times. And yet – nothing. Why did he offer? I should have just done it myself. It’s not like I don’t need the medication. I do.
I feel like I’ve been reduced to white noise in the background. Whether it’s important stuff, like putting money in the bank, or getting my medication as a favor, I’m just shit out of luck, I guess.
Sigh. I’m feeling sorry for myself. I feel unimportant. I feel like no one listens. I’d like to go to bed now, please, even though I just got up a little while ago.
I don’t know exactly when I turned into the person that I don’t like. It must be up there with the multiple reminders. I feel like the juggler who has all the balls in the air. Even though I’m asking the audience (my family) to take some of the balls away and lighten my load, it just doesn’t happen.
Hence, pick-it-up/put-it-back/did-you-do-this/did-you-get-that/ has become my mantra. When I don’t nag at people, and something doesn’t get done, somehow, it ends up being MY FAULT for “not saying anything”, or not saying anything, enough times. How many reminders are enough reminders? When is enough, enough? My question is, when do I get to STOP saying things and have people take responsibility for themselves? How did I get into this situation? I don’t like this merry-go-round, and I want to get off. Literally, we have conversations like, “You didn’t remind me.” “I reminded you last night.” “But you didn’t remind me today.” It’s nuts. I can’t take it.
Ironically, Jim will chastise me and say, “You don’t like asking people for help” but when I do, NOTHING GETS DONE. So I’d just as soon do it myself. But I can’t do everything. I can’t be everywhere at once. I know, it’s a pity party. I just took an anti anxiety pill and am hoping for the best.
I’m sick of it and feel like walking away.
I’ve spent the day curled up in the bed or on the couch with Maggie and a headache.
I feel like, if I’m not important enough for my family to pay attention to me – how can I expect the blogging world to understand?
Probably I’m going to take some time off. Maggie will let me know if it’s time to continue.
Sorry for whining.